September 22, 2003
Santa Barbara, California, USA

9:45am. I'm very high and I have been for a few days. In fact, I have been most of life. Smoking weed doesn't get you high like this. I'm getting more and most connected and others are seeing this and finding me. I've been on a mission, handing out 500 brochures this weekend, and the super high people find me. I just shine and do my thing and they tap me on the shoulder to ask what I have for them. These people are accomplished, with pure hearts and open minds. People who may benefit most from my story won't hear it. I start to tell them and they shut me down. One guy suggested me that if I wore a suit those people would listen. I need to get on their level.

Yesterday I approached people strolling the sand castle competition and Art Walk where artists show work on the sidewalk parallel to the beach. I was a friendly freak, totally in the dragonfly mode- wearing big gold Elvis glasses that look like bug eyes, black PJ pants with a dragonflies print and Chaco sandals. I had a bead and wire dragonfly pin on my hip and one in my dread held with a chopstick. I was bare chested getting sun burned. It was a burningman gear.

I'd say to folk, "I have something to share with you." Ten percent would return, "I'm not interested," and want me to be out of their face immediately. On State Street, I got that about 25% of the time. I'll leave them by saying, "keep an open mind." I often say, "I want to share a story and give you an invitation." One woman said "no," then I said in a soft voice, "Drop your borders. This is from the heart," then I had her ear. It's a real lesson in psychology.

I'm a trip and comfortable with it. I'm learning to be at peace wearing anything or nothing. At Burningman I went two afternoons nude. I started by taking off my clothes to jump on a trampoline on a busy street corner. I may have done the lube wrestling before that... come to think of it. I was announcing at the event, a little sheepish to begin with, but I got into it, found a flow and had fun. There was a big crowd around a large plastic tarp with slippery lube all over it, and two people would fight trying to push each other off the tarp. Someone called out from the crowd asking the two boys getting ready to fight to name their penises. I asked them to come to the mike to name their willies. They would not... so I had to strip, jump on that mat and beat their bitch asses. They didn't know what was up.... this new dude jumping on. Spontaneous drama is always fun. They teamed up on me-- two on one, so I didn't last long, but that was not the point. Nothing lasts. Just doing it-- jump on impulse, live that moment, not thinking about it in your head and being fearful about what others are going to think. This has set me free.

Some try to bring me down. Not that I don't deserve it. Four times come to mind at the moment off the top. A general lack of communication with my bloodroots gives me guilt and sadness, and it's my fault cuz I must make that step toward connection. They may feel like I don't care about what they are doing or don't care to share my life with them. My friends... I've given more love to them... and maybe that's common for many people, but I know I am not supporting my roots and I want to change that. I love them, but love is not a word; it is an action. And I am not acting out of love toward them. I am closest to my brother Joel, and the others, I've shared so little of my life with them... it makes me sad. It gives me that tinkle in the nose, which just happened now; that's why I said it, then watery eyes, and now it is passed. That is real emotion I just felt with a physical reaction. It is bottled up. I gotta tell them.

How we feel is what matters. I am trying to stay open and be aware of how I feel. When I do it... it will be right. I want to do it soon. I want to be connected with them. I want them to know me. I want to know how they feel. Feed roots and cultivate seeds: These are what support us, and make us strong. Each of us is a branch of the same tree. Connected, grounded, growing high and plentiful with fruit, we throw our seeds far to fertile soil, which maybe as far as Mexico or beyond. My roots did that for me. You can't live too close to the parent root system. One needs openness to find light. The roots system can be an entanglement. The system is in place and this is how you will grow. I just had a vision. A box around plants. Imagine a root growing... but being restricted into a mold the shape of a dog or god depending on how you look at it.

A religious belief is a potted plant. Open to see the light. Gotta get outside that box. I've found my way out and it feels good. Keep the chin up. Don't be digging holes with your mind. The monsters under the bed are in your head. When you look under there you'll see they disappear. Santa Barbara is a different reality than New Jersey. Sedona is not New York. Austin is not LA. I've always wondered, "Why don't the people in igloos go south to where live is easier?" Don't they know? Go as family. Make it a trip; you can always come back. Wander nomadic. Nothing wrong with that. The world opens up with each step and it's endless. You are never in the same place twice. Time changes all things. If you go to the same stream, field, mountain or desert everyday, surely you'll notice life or form, and if you don't and get bored, go for a walk to some place new. But that freedom people don't have with no land to lay a head for bed, soil for a seed or a pot to piss in. What will you do? The land of opportunity it is... but no one is buying a house in this city for under $100,000. You gotta be a slave to the money system. It's complicated with taxes and forms to fill out and fill in. People got pools and you can't fill a picture. Who cares about your sorry ass? No bon fires on this beach. No sir. Can't have that! You best be moving on or you'll find yourself in a cell.

You want to know the difference between getting stoned and getting high? "They" stoned people in the bible. I don't want to be stoned. Jesus realized he was divine. He lived in love as the story goes. He lived his truth... simple and free, and gave thanks. He did not go to a temple others made to know god, but into the wilderness to connect inward and outward. How many churches are preaching that? This is the big story. It's front-page news. It is what people need to know. Common folk can't do anything about planes crashing. Let's get high. How do we free ourselves? Plant seeds... nourish the roots. It's about Being There. Read it and see it on screen.

There's so much you don't know and will never know. What do we really know other than our experience?

Lets make a generic kid living today in the 7th grade. At school he's into basketball and dreams about a girl. She doesn't know he exists. Math sucks and poetry is lame. "How do these apply to my life?" he wants to know, but is given the short answer, which is "Cuz you'll need it one day. You want to get ahead to don't? Just let me finish marking these tests, so I can hand them back."

His teachers don't even want to be there. Their friends with less education are making more money. "Two months summer vacation might be nice if I could leave the city," some one said in the staff room. Imagine yourself a 7th grade teacher hearing this from a collogue with many more years. You think "Is this what I have to look forward to?" and your heart sinks. You know making rent and car payments leaves one waiting for an air conditioner repairman friend who is not returning phone calls. At least the cool air at school makes it bearable. It's gonna be another summer of books in the community pool. Kid's piss is hid with too much chlorine. Eyes get blood shot and students think you smoke pot. You would if it weren't for the piss tests. Can't risk this job. These people are Nazis. This will be on your record, so kiss you career good-bye. You hear students whispering "miss D... blah blah blah". Are they teasing you for being a short hair butch without good lovin', or is it all in your head. "Is it obvious? Maybe I wouldn't be so bitchy if I had a little touch?"

Our kid plays Gameboy on the 45-minute bus ride to and from school. That's two hours five days a week... waiting or on the bus... with one he really likes. The other kids can afford nicer clothes and all get off first. Poor black kids walk to hoods and white trash live outside in trailer parks near the tracks. Our boy John eats dinner watching TV. Mom picked up at Taco Bell on the way home, same as always... cuz it is all she can afford, and she knows they'll eat it. He doesn't even taste it.

The TV episode is finished and it is like he hasn't eaten yet. Still hungry he pours a bowl of Coco Puffs. Flipping channels and he forgets what he was watching... even after a half hour of it. Mom doesn't have time to listen to homework with a second job working night shift.

It is tough being a single mom. She feels too old to party at clubs. If she has energy for anything, it will be darts at the Broken Spoke after midnight. The music is sad and depressing, but the guy behind the bar who chain-smokes won't have it any other way. Coffee at 2am keeps her awake for the drive out of the city, which is nice when traffic is quiet. These are the only minutes she has to herself. She has a tooth that hurts with each sip of hot coffee and that one with the sharp edge she's always running her tongue over is giving her a little welt-a bump. She'd not eating enough raw food and doesn't know it. Sleeping pills dull frustration. She doesn't understand why she can't pull it together. The only real friends she had were in high school. She's never had an opportunity to travel. Disneyland doesn't count; it's contrived.

John does his homework alone, forces his little sister to bed with threats of "I'll tell mom", and then finishes the level on Gameboy that's had him suck for a week. It may be insignificant to the world, but these little victories really matter to him. Tomorrow he might get crazy hair gel. Never done that before. The girls will make fun. Maybe he won't. There's only one girl he likes and she wont care anyway... he thinks... hopes... but doesn't want to risk it. You know how girls talk. She doesn't want to be seen with the freak. Tomorrow is the big game, but he might be sitting on the bench most of it. "I'd just like to have one moment of glory," he visualizes a drive to the hoop. "She'll be there. I don't want her to see me on the bench the whole game. What could I say to the coach for him to believe in me?" These are the thoughts he thinks drifting to sleep.

My dreams are coming true. Saturday mark my 26th time around the sun. After the drum circle in the park by the beach, I sat with jolly, brilliant bums passing a pipe followed by a large bottle of Colt 45. I was busy taking notes on the bottom of a box, recording quotes and thoughts, not wanting to leave the scene for a moment to get my note pad from the spaceship... when they broke out in happy birthday for me... and I was so blessed. Again... I'm feeling emotional. After the song, I got another tap on the shoulder. It was a man of pure heart and wise words. He is a musician on the brink of great fame with big backers producing his CD. His music has an uplifting message. He has a dream of starting a wellness center. He was in love with life. It was infectious.

On State Street, the main drag where most clubs are located, I did a slide show plugged into the planter box. I played Tom petty and Peter Gabriel CDs --- and played frizbee by passers. Te frizbee glows in the dark with LED lights. Again I made great connections. The people who are aware see what I am doing and stop to check it. Most keep going. It is my bat signal. Eric, a Burner, got another whole crowd sing the happy birthday song spontaneously there on the sidewalk. It was so moving. I am so blessed. In the past week two people have given me $20 out of the blue just when I needed it. Lots of people offer their homes. Getting businesses to support my show with money to make a brochure and pay for the gallery space has been hard, and I still don't have the room paid for yet. I'll ask for donations at the show tonight.