November 11, 2001
Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada
1:42am.Tonight, I read the first few pages of Siddhartha, by Hermann Hesse, a gift from Edith that I found today in a brown paper envolope on the kitchen counter. The book had been recommended to me before, but I just wasn’t ready for it. Last night, at about this same time, I finished reading Soul Stories by Gary Zukav, also a gift from Edith. She is like an angel-- a spiritual guide. She knows where I want to go, and supports me with encouragement, and gives me books that are like maps drawn by travelers who have walked a similar path. The journey is inward.
This journal is my home work. My mother checks my home work. She goes to my site and reads. Yesterday, I published something that John Reynolds said, that mom thought was risqué and might jeopardize his career, so she forced my to delete it.
I leave out information when I see no benefit in sharing it. Often I just share the good things—which have the potential to make a positive impact. Depression and conflict are not something I want to be reminded of, or have others think of me in that way. The ups and downs create reader sympathy and make a story captivating… but this is too real-- it's my life. On the street, people see me and know the thoughts in my head, yet I never met them, and that is too weird. I am happy with the success of this experiment-- which is to express myself and create a portal into my world, which is for the most part beautiful and wonderful, but what you, the reader, see in your mind’s eye is not my reality, but only an edited patch-work projection.
A truer story of my life is being written in emails to friends, and I cannot tell my story without also sharing the stories of those lives intertwined with mine. The following is a perfect example. Last night I got a call from Randie in Arizona. It was our first conversation, other than email, since we left each other with a hug and kiss on Isla de la Piedra in Mexico at least two and a half years ago. Her soul, like mine, is that of a seeker—restless in the stale comforts of city life and unwilling to settle for a partner for the sake of security—thus, we are often lonely.
We met naked in hot springs, in the pristine wilderness of northern Mexico’s Copper Canyon, and spent the night, blessed in starlight, just the two of us, holding each other in the warm water. Valentines day, on a secluded beach ten miles long, she taught me Spanish verbs under the shade of a palm branch hut, and tourists in a jeep pulled up, leaving us with two cold Corona Cerveza, then we played in the sand and swam buck, innocent as children.
On Fri, 12 Oct 2001 12:22:23
I'm curious about where you are and what you are doing. I've thought of
you a bunch lately. Yesterday I was hanging with two Reiki Masters on their
way to Arizona... going on a spiritual quest to Bell Rock.
I'm working on setting up slide shows(check out my info page:
http://www.solomax.com/slideshow.html ) and getting support to start
paddling south again. I don't want to spend the winter here again!
This has been great being home... I made a ton of friends... but I need
the adventure... cuz it is what I thrive on.
So... I just want to hear from you.
Max, you are so great... how lucky I am to have you sending me this
email at this time. I’m back in Tucson, not following my bliss cause I don’t
believe in myself, I guess. Don't know, anyway, being negative in general
and not wanting to be here or stay here. My mind is so occupied that
I wouldn’t see my bliss if it hit me in the face. I've been here for 3 weeks.
The thing with the guy in Minnesota didn’t work out. I am finally starting to
see a pattern in my method of madness and its not pretty! Hah, self knowledge
has to come before self realization, apparently... anyway, your email cheers
me up that you're continuing your journey!!! may we meet again! in Honduras
or was it Nicaragua? Be safe, where are you starting from? keep in touch
and if you come close to Tucson call.
On Sun, 21 Oct 2001 07:42:12
I want to hear your voice... soon... so... will the number you gave me
get to you now... and when is a good time to call?
--Max, I wrote you the longest email yesterday and I don’t know if it got
sent - the computer went weird... anyway, it was full of self abuse and
criticism anyway, so good riddance, right? I am in a funk, but hoping to
start loving myself and loving the world fearlessly and acting out of love
rather than the fear that I’m acting from now... argh.
so I am around at that # usually in the eves but some afternoons too, I
am subbing again in the Tucson school district which is part of my madness,.
the other part being that I need to connect with nature on a more regular
basis than I can living in the city at least I have not set roots here, I
am living out of my camper and staying with friends and am planning my
getaway, not sure where to yet, Hawaii is a possibility to go to a massage
school on Maui but we shall see how the finances come along.
Driving around this concrete jungle gets me way down. argh. I am trying
to eat healthy and get my chemical balance again but feel toxic and out of
my center often. I've only been here three weeks.
anyway, I'd love to hear from you. your website is great, as always!!!!
but something more personal like a phone call would send me soaring :)
When are you leaving for your journey and how's it all coming along? I
have many questions for you. also to remind you to visit the highlands in
Guatemala - Todos Santos - if you get closer than you are right now, which
I sometimes think about our adventures and think that was Truly living,
and the rest of this stuff, the job, the driving, the apartments and houses
etc., we are just fooling ourselves, esp. here in the states where people are
either materialistic and rich and happy; materialistic, poor and depressed;
materialistic, poor, but have drug money coming in so are happy; on drugs
and happy; on drugs i.e. Prozac and depressed; or not on any drugs and
depressed. Or maybe its just me, maybe I know nothing, but I think I'm too
intelligent for this routine mass culture thing, I need to unplug from it
and plug into another belief system... but where and what and when and
so you see the state of my confusion and delirium. I feel so sorry for
the kids every time I go into a different classroom. as should they do not
deserve the way they are being treated, and the teachers and aides that work
with them don’t know of any other way to treat the kids than the way they do.
they just yell and the kids listen. if the teachers don’t yell at them, the
kids don’t listen. ugly, ugly patterns being established from young age thru
the whole school set up . argh
love to you from me, max, may your dreams become reality cause I know you
have such good ones.
On Mon, 29 Oct 2001 23:06:50
Randie... I just called you again... but got a machine and hung up.
Should have left a message, but didn't. Your turn to call. Please do... and
let me know when so I'll be home. It is 1:04am.
The voice on the machine was not yours. Who was it?
Good night, Love.
Sent: Friday, November 02, 2001 11:59 PM
Subject: Re: fearless ness
you tempt and tantalize me with your voice, and then I don’t hear it
again!!! I don’t have your phone number!!!! eek! I rarely check this email,
but will do so sooner so that I can get your number if you send it... and
that is my professional voice on the answering machine - trying to get
teaching jobs voice. does it really not sound like me? hmmmm. fake fake
fake.... I'll have to listen to it again.
am hanging out with my friend maxine's 11 yr old son, just went to a sweat
and am looking forward to a good sleep.
love and kisses,
On Mon, 5 Nov 2001 15:43:01
I wanted to call you again last night... but didn't... cuz the time
difference and I thought you might not be home. My number is 506-635-4122.
Though I have a charmed life and many friends... I'm lonely for romance. At
the end of the day... there are women near me that I can walk with on the
beach... and I am with them often... and it is romantic... the scene and
all... and we'll hold hands... but it is not a passionate thing. We are
friends. And the couple girls I like are busy with their lives... I call now
and then... but it hasn't yet worked out, and I only want someone if they
want me. I don't want it to be work.
So, no matter how smart I get reading books and thru experience, or how much
I think I got life figured out... or how great my work is being an action
hero doing slide shows--all that doesn't make happy... not for long anyway.
I love climbing and being outdoors most of all... and I want someone to
share it with. I don't think there is one person for me... I'd just be happy
with a person. The quest for happiness... it's not such a funny thing. I
think too much. It's a funk that comes and goes. High one day... down the
I just finished reading Richard Bach's story "Illusions" and Daniel Quinn’s
"The Story of B" on cassette Tape--- both talking about messiah's and why we
are here. Illusions talks about how our life is like a movie... that we are
watching for two basic reasons... for fun or learning. Like the reason why I
am writing you now... is because I have something to learn for you... maybe
cuz you know how I feel... like water seeks it's own level. Maybe we'll have
fun together sometime. I hope so. The story of B is like a history of man
and the church... the church is the bad guy... leading to man's demise.
The big message in the book speaks of the need for "Changed minds and new
Vision.... not old vision with new programs." Check out these stories.
Things are coming together for me. I just got two thousand bucks worth of
slide show gear so I can do shows when and where I please, and I got shows
booked-- one this Thursday at a high school outdoor rec. class, then two
other schools next Tuesday and Thursday.
Talk to ya soon.
--hi, will call you soon, am dealing with customer service and my calling card to put more $$ on it, something is messed up. but do not fear!!! the spiritual path is from fear to love! that’s all it is, nothing more!!
slowly but surely, we become...
3:30am. I’m getting tired now, so I should crash soon, but I do want to note that a great thing in Saint John began tonight—the Deep End, and artist’s Guild founded by Samuel Palmer. It’s a space for artist’s to gather, display, inform, create or whatever we want. It was like my idea of church—the fellowship, good music, inspiration and all-round openness and friendly vibes. The photos are of Samuel and Jessica, shot tonight.
My journey with Siddhartha has begun with a good start. His frame of mind and vibe resonate with mine:
Siddhartha knew many worthy Brahmins, above all his father—holy, learned, of the highest esteem. His father was worthy of admiration: his manner was quiet and noble. He lived a good life, his words were wise; fine and noble thoughts dwelt in his head—but even he who knew so much, did he live in bliss, was he at peace? Was he not also a seeker, insatiable? Did he not go continually to the holy springs with an insatiable thirst, to the sacrifices, to books, to the Brahmins’ discourses? Why must he, the blameless one, wash away his sins and endeavor to cleanse himself anew each day? Was Atman then within him? Was not then the source within his own heart? One must find the source within one’s own Self, one must possess it. Everything else was seeking—a detour, error.
These were Siddhartha’s thoughts: this was his thirst, his sorrow.
2pm. Chillin' at Martello Tower with Christina.
4pm. Chillin' at the beach with Siddhartha.