February, 22, 1998
Costa Mesa, California, USAA few days ago, I was at UCLA with Diane, watching her son, Brian, run in a track meet. While sitting in the bleachers, I spoke with several students about their studies. The first girl I spoke with, told me that she was in her third year of studying sociology. "What career will you take up when you graduate?" I asked her. "I have no idea really." she answered. "I don’t want to be a lawyer, but I might get a law degree, just so I can have something to fall back on." "Fall back on!?" I exclaimed. "Do you know how much money that is going to cost?" "I’m not sure." She responded, "My parents are paying for it." I asked her what kind of things she would like her career to involve. "I want to help people, work outdoors, and travel." "With a degree in sociology, you would have no problem getting into the Peace Corps. Have you considered it?" "I’d love to...," she answered, "but... my father would never let me."
A couple of nights earlier, Diane and I rented the movie Shine, starring Jeffrey Rush. The movie is about a child prodigy pianist, and the relationship between he and his overly controlling father. The boy earned a scholarship to attend university, and badly wanted to go, but the father insisted that he stay home and "keep the family together". When the boy stood up to his father, the father beat the crap out of him, and repeatedly hollered, "I know what is best for you! Nobody loves you like I do!" This is a perfect example of how loved ones can couple selfishness and guilt together, in order to make you do what is in their best interest. Nobody can control you unless you let them. They may not support you, but at least you will be living your life and your dreams, instead of theirs.
I’m not saying that pleasing others is a bad thing; in fact, I think it’s a great thing. I love giving! A person can be totally self serving, and totally giving at the same time. Knowing that I helped make someone feel good... makes me feel good. The problem with many people, is that they only give, because they like being told that they are appreciated. If the recognition was taken away, they would stop giving. These people are fakes. They are faking themselves out of true happiness - a feeling of self-worth.
I believe the way to achieve self-worth, is by filling your life with self-esteem building experiences - like filling a glass with water. Eventually, you will have so many fantastic experiences, and you will feel so blessed, that you will have the genuine desire to share - "Your cup runneth over!".
On the other hand... people who spend their lives trying to please others, instead of focusing on their own ambitions, may experience an "empty feeling". Empty is the opposite of content, satisfied, or full - like the glass of water. People who feel empty are also likely to feel insecure - which is the opposite of confident. A person can only acquire confidence by making decisions on their own.
I never went through a rebellious stage as a teenager. There was nothing to rebel against. My parents always let me do what I wanted. They trusted me. In return, I respected them. That is why I believe young people need to be told, "What you want... is what is most important!"
My best advice for parents and teens is this:
PARENTS: The less rules you make... the less there are to break. Lead by example... ALWAYS! And, if every time your child makes a mistake you holler at them, "You’re irresponsible!", don’t be surprised if they believe you, and act irresponsibly.
TEENS: If you want respect, ya gotta give it. If you don’t make plans... don’t be surprised when your parents do it for you. And most importantly... communication is the key to any healthy relationship.
I have learned about the importance of communication the hard way. Recently, I sabotaged several relationships, because my selfishness got the best of me, and it kept me from communicating. After two weeks of working on my website at Bob’s home in Goleta, I began to feel guilty for not asking him how long I was welcome to stay. I didn’t want to talk to him about it, because I was afraid of what he might tell me. My selfish tendencies told me to focus on what I had to do to get the website finished. By letting it slide, I was very inconsiderate, and Bob felt like I was taking advantage of him. A week later, we were no longer friends. That could have been avoided if I had only communicated with him earlier.
A few days after leaving Bob, I was welcomed into Marni and Warren’s home in Westminster. I told them that I didn’t expect to stay any longer than two weeks, but, by the time I had been there two weeks, my website was wasn’t even close to completion. I got depressed. The web-site was taking far more time and energy to build than I had ever I imagined. Warren was getting upset with me, because I repeatedly forgot to push the Clear button after using the microwave. I didn’t think it was such a big deal, but what I thought didn’t matter. It was his house. I had to follow his rules.
For the first time in six months, I wanted to be home. I missed my family. I wanted unconditional love. I wanted to forget to push the clear button, and not have someone holler at me. I was stressed out. Things were not going as planned. My dream was falling apart, but once again, I didn’t want to say anything, because I was afraid they would tell me to leave before I had time to finish my web-site.
When they asked me how much longer I needed to finish the site, I asked them for another three weeks, and told them that I would leave then whether the site was ready or not. I knew they felt uncomfortable asking me, and I felt horribly sorry for not having enough courage to bring it up myself. Both Marni and Warren continued to be extremely kind and generous hosts right up until the day I left for Diane’s house.
While waiting at the bus stop, on my way here to Diane’s house, I began to read Robert Schuller’s book, The Be Happy Attitudes. The first chapter, Be Happy Attitude #1, is called, " I need help - I can’t do it alone!" In that chapter it states, "If you are too proud(or too afraid) to admit you are hurting... don’t be surprised if nobody seems to care." At that moment, I realized I had been a coward, and my selfishness was hurting people. I have since sent Marni, Bob, and Len hand-painted Thank-you... I apologize cards. Live and learn... that’s what this journey is all about. If I never made any mistakes, I would never learn anything.
